


1000 Times

by Duckiesurprise



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Bride AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:13:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3841870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckiesurprise/pseuds/Duckiesurprise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Laura's wedding day and she has been looking forward to it for months. Or has she? On what is supposed to be the happiest day of Laura's life, her best friend Carmilla might just turn her whole world upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1000 Times

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say a huge thanks to my best friend in the world you-plus-me-is-bad-news and to my new friend kaitlynsgonnakait for all the encouragements and the suggestions. Your input has been invaluable and I couldn't have done this without you guys. Also, Happy Birthday Kaitlyn! I hope this made you day a little happier! Also I guess I should thank Sara Bareilles for supplying another title to one of my works. Her songs always seem to be weirdly appropriate.

This is the happiest day of your life.

 

You definitely made the right decision.

 

This is the happiest day of your life.

 

You have absolutely been looking forward to this for months.

 

This is the happiest day of your life.

 

You positively do not have any regrets. Nope. None.

 

This is definitely, absolutely, positively, the happiest day of your life.

 

This is the mantra that you’ve been repeating to yourself all day. For the past couple weeks. Maybe for the last few months. Possibly since the moment you said ‘yes’.

 

You’re not having second thoughts. You’re not. 

 

This is normal. Everyone goes through this. You’ve read articles about it. You’ve seen it in movies. You’ve heard of people that have felt the same way.

 

You...really wish Carmilla were here. 

 

You’re kind of upset with her though because she was supposed to be here with you, helping you get ready and calming you down, but instead she texted you a couple of hours ago saying something came up that she had to take care of and she would be late. Perry had to help you get ready instead, which was probably for the best because Perry is very organized and structured, and Carmilla is really not the maid of honor type. But she’s your best friend. 

 

And she’s running late on the most important day of your life.

 

Carmilla is the only person who has been there for you through thick and thin ever since your freshman year of college when you became accidental roommates. At first neither of you particularly liked the other, though not for lack of trying on your part; Carmilla was just exceedingly unpleasant. She always stole your food, never cleaned up after herself, and she seemed to take sick pleasure in annoying you. You actually thought she hated you, until she turned out to be the only person who was there for you when you needed someone most.

 

You had gone to your first Zeta party a few weeks after the start of the school year, hoping to make some friends. One of the guys from your literature class, Kirsch, had invited you and you thought it would be a good idea to mingle and meet people. Unfortunately, in your quest to make friends you had ended up drinking far too much and someone made a pretty aggressive pass at you. Thankfully, Kirsch saw the whole thing and stepped in between you and your would-be assailant. He took you up to his room and called Carmilla to go get you, and stayed with you until she showed up. 

 

At the time you were too drunk to realize that Kirsch somehow knew Carmilla was your roommate, and that she showed up despite having no real reason to. She took you back to your dorm, held your hair when you threw up, and made sure you drank water and ate some toast before you went to sleep.

 

The following morning when you were sure you had the hangover to end all hangovers, despite having no frame of reference, Carmilla was back to her typical surly self. You figured she probably expected you to forget her act of kindness but you didn’t, and from that moment on you practically bullied her into being your friend despite her, very loud and insistent, protests.

 

It turned out to be the best thing you ever did, and you couldn’t ask for a better friend. Beneath her bad girl exterior, Carmilla is kind and sweet and loving and all around kind of perfect. She’s also gorgeous, which you would have to have been blind not to notice.

 

You definitely noticed.

 

For a while, back in college, you kind of thought that maybe you could be more than just friends but Carmilla never expressed any interest in you besides friendship. She was always there for you every time you dated someone and it didn't work out, and every time it didn’t work out between you and another girl you thought maybe that was your chance to try things with Carmilla, but she never gave you any indication she was attracted to you in that way.

 

Then you met Danny.

 

She had been your TA in your literature class freshman year and you had become friends right away, and although Danny had always been around it wasn’t until sophomore year that she made a move. She had asked you out for pie, playing into your love of sweets, and after that date you had pretty much become a couple right away, much to Carmilla’s displeasure. She and Danny had pretty much disliked each other from day one, probably even from before you started dating. You were never sure why but there had always been animosity between them. 

 

Whenever Danny was around, Carmilla made herself scarce. You tried to confront her about it once but she always dodged you saying that she didn’t like Danny but she wanted you to be happy. She never gave you a reason for the friction and neither did Danny, but Carmilla became a bit more distant the longer your relationship with Danny went on. 

 

She was still a great friend but there was a noticeable change in how she behaved around you, but you just chalked it up to Carmilla being protective of you and her intense dislike of your girlfriend.

 

Danny was tall and beautiful, athletic and smart, kind and gallant, a bit overbearing sometimes but you worked through it and here you are. 

 

Four years later. On your wedding day.

 

Your actual wedding  day . The most important day of your life. A day in which your best friend should be right beside you, helping you prep and calming you down. Your best friend who has  always been there for you.

 

Which is why her not being here right now is not only strange but extremely aggravating because she is the only person that can help with your nerves.

 

At least Perry and LaFontaine are here. You would probably be going even crazier without them. They both left you alone a while ago to go check on how everything else was coming along. You’re really glad they’re here because you know that if anything goes wrong, Perry can probably fix it. She’s always weirdly prepared.

 

Ever since she left you’ve been staring at your reflection in the full length mirror, repeating the same mantra over and over. You always imagined this day growing up. What your dress would look like. How you would style your hair. What jewelry you would wear.

 

Now the day is finally here and everything is just as you had imagined it, but you don’t recognize the girl in the mirror. You look different. You don’t look like yourself. 

 

You don’t feel like yourself.

 

You wonder if this could really all be nerves or maybe something else. Something you don’t want to think about. Haven’t wanted to think about for months.

 

You wish you could talk to someone that had been through this.

 

You wish your mom were here.

 

Thinking of your mom and how she won’t get to see you walk down the aisle makes tears spring to your eyes, which is really inconvenient. The wedding hasn’t even started and you’re already crying. 

 

There’s a knock on the door and you try to dry your eyes without ruining your makeup. Thank god for waterproof mascara.

 

“Come in! Unless it’s Danny, in which case go away and be patient!”

 

“No, it’s definitely not her.”

 

You hear her before you see her and you’re so relieved she’s finally here that you could start crying again, but when you turn around and get your first look at her you think you stop breathing. Carmilla has always been beautiful but this is something else. She didn’t want a traditional bridesmaid dress so you told her to wear whatever made her comfortable and she had opted for a fitted black tuxedo with heels. You’re stunned into silence just looking at her and your first word isn’t as eloquent as you would like it to be.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

“You’re finally here.”

 

“You’re crying. Thinking about your mom, Cupcake? Or having second thoughts?”

 

Of course Carmilla knows. She always knows.

 

“I’m not having second thoughts.”

 

You are, but just because she’s right doesn’t mean you need to let her know she’s right. Besides, they’re  normal second thoughts. Every bride has them. Probably. 

 

“Because if you are, who could blame you? I mean it must be hard getting hitched to a sasquatch. Every time you go out together you have to deal with people whispering about the lovely young girl walking around with the side show freak, children pointing and staring. It would take a toll on anyone. You stay here and I’ll break the news to Harry Henderson.”

 

Carmilla continues talking as if you never spoke, making more jokes at the expense of Danny’s height. 

 

“Is it possible that you could lay off her just once? I know you two don’t like it each other, but please? For me.”

 

She smirks at you but it looks almost sad. Carmilla is staring at your dress and your face feels heated. She’s just staring at you, not speaking.

 

“I  was thinking about my mom.”

 

That gets her attention and her eyes snap to yours. Carmilla has always been good at reading you, always weirdly attuned to your emotions. That’s part of what makes her such a great friend. 

 

“Sweetheart, if your mom could see you now, she would think you looked beautiful.”

 

“Do I? You haven’t said.”

 

Sure she had been staring at you, but she didn’t tell you what she thought. You wonder if Carmilla thinks you don’t look like yourself too. Do you look like a different person to her? Are you a different person?

 

If anyone would know, it would be her.

 

She’s looking at you curiously, head tilted to the side, mouth half open and forming silent words, not yet spoken.

 

You don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

 

“Laura you look- I don’t have the words to tell you how beautiful you look.”

 

Somehow she always knows just what to say too. Or maybe it’s the way she says it. Maybe it’s her.

 

“Yeah? You don’t look so bad yourself. With that tux it almost looks like  we’re getting married.”

 

You giggle at your joke but Carmilla’s face turns serious and you think maybe it was the wrong thing to say. Obviously she wouldn’t be marrying you. Carmilla has made it obvious she’s only ever seen you as a friend. Why do you have to make stupid jokes? Although, you’re kind of offended she would look so distraught at the thought of it. Jesus, you’re not a leper.

 

“Shit. I can’t do this.”

 

Can’t do what? Carmilla is looking down at her hands, clenched into fists in front of her and she looks like she might have been talking to herself, but you’re completely lost so you default to bad humor to break the tension.

 

“I thought I was the one that was supposed to get cold feet.”

 

“This isn’t a joke Laura.”

 

She looks angry and you honestly have no idea what you said wrong. Where is the Carmilla that was just joking about Danny’s height and said you looked beautiful?

 

“Ok, Carm, relax. Literally all you have to do is stand there.” 

 

“That’s exactly the point! I can’t just stand there and watch you marry someone else!”

 

What? Your mind is reeling. What is she talking about? How did you get here? Someone else? Who is the other someone?

 

“ Someone else?  What are you talking about? Why not?”

 

Carmilla is seething at this point. Her eyes are daggers and you’re not entirely sure it’s you that she’s mad at.

 

“Because I’m in love with you! Dammit Laura!”

 

Because I’m in love with you.

 

I’m in love with you.

 

In love with you.

 

Love.

 

With you.

 

Dammit Laura.

 

You must be hearing things. You have to be. That’s the only explanation. There’s no way Carmilla just said she’s in  love with you. In love.  With you. No. No this is impossible. This isn’t happening. Your ears are ringing. That’s it! You didn’t hear her correctly because your ears are ringing!

 

But they weren’t ringing before. Your ears weren’t ringing before she said-

 

You look at her. You realize you hadn’t been looking at her because now you see that she looks horrified. Her mouth is opening and closing and her throat is bobbing like she’s trying to swallow the words back down. Like she can’t catch a breath. Her hands are trembling, still clenched into fists before her. Her eyes are wide and unfocused. You’ve never seen Carmilla look like this. So distraught. So broken.

 

Your first instinct is to reach for her and comfort her. You squash that instinct down. 

 

She’s in love with you?! Where was that love when you went through a string of failed relationships and you looked to her every time for the smallest spark of interest in you? Where was that love at any point in the last  five goddam years ?

 

You’re getting married!

 

It’s your wedding day!

 

She cannot be doing this right now. She absolutely cannot. You’re mad. You’re livid, and you don’t always think clearly when you’re upset. How dare she? How can she be so selfish? 

 

Why now?

 

“You’re in love with me? You’re in love with me?!  What the hell is wrong with you?!”

 

Yelling feels good. You should definitely do more yelling. Carmilla deserves yelling. Anything to wipe that hurt and bewildered look from her face.

 

“Laura...I’m sorry...”

 

“You’re sorry? Carmilla I’m getting married! Today!”

 

“I know. I know. I didn’t mean to- I just- I didn’t come here to confess how I feel about you. How I’ve always felt...”

 

Always? 

 

Always?!

 

What the fuck, Carmilla! What the fucking fuck?! Fuck!

 

“You just look so wonderful in that dress, and I’ve been in love with you for so long, Laura.  So long . I couldn’t stand here and look at you in that dress and not envision what my life would be like if it was me you were marrying. I couldn’t do it Laura”

 

She’s crying. Almost subconsciously and you don’t think you’ve ever seen Carmilla cry. She was always the one that held you when you had your heart broken. She was always the one with the shoulder and you were the one with the tears.

 

But now...she looks small. Helpless. Carmilla, who has always been a pillar of strength for you, who has always seemed larger than her five foot three. Shrunken in on herself.

 

Pleading.

 

Pleading to you.

 

“I know I should have told you a long time ago.  I know , it’s selfish, probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

 

You’re sobbing now. And you’re almost relieved because it means the tears are blurring the image of Carmilla so you can’t see her standing there, drowning in her own tears.

 

“Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

You don’t know how you’re able to speak. Your throat is dry and the words feel like sandpaper scraping against your vocal chords, but you have to know. You have to.

 

Carmilla looks down and shrugs a heavy shoulder. You can physically see the toll it took on her.

 

“I don’t know. I guess at first I wasn’t sure how I felt. I knew I liked you, but I didn’t know what it meant. I was never one for relationships but I knew that with you it would be different. I didn’t want to get involved with you not knowing what it would mean. We were friends, I didn’t want to lose that.”

 

“And then?”

 

“And then...and then I was scared. Scared of my feelings. What they meant. How to tell you….So I didn’t. I was afraid of messing up. Of not being good enough. So I just watched you date other girls, hoping it wouldn’t work out every time. Trying to work up the nerve to tell you how I felt every time it didn’t. Never being brave enough to take the chance. And then…”

 

“Danny.”

 

“Yea. Danny. I knew it would be different with her. But I couldn’t stop it. I wished every day that I had.”

 

You don’t know what to say. The tears keep coming and they won’t stop. Every time Carmilla’s breath hitches, you feel a pang deep within your chest.

 

She loved you all along and she didn’t tell you. And for what? What were her reasons? Fear and uncertainty. She could have had you. You could have had her. She could have told you. She should have told you.

 

Any day in the last five years would have been preferable to this. Any day but today.

 

She was afraid? That’s not good enough for you. Carmilla doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to ruin this.

 

With her  love .

 

You try to rein in the tears as best you can. You need to pull yourself together.

 

“It’s too late Carmilla. I’m getting married today. To Danny. She asked me to spend the rest of my life with her and I said yes. I made her a promise. I can’t do this.”

 

“Laura I can’t stay...I can’t stay in your life.”

 

She can’t stay in your life? She can’t stay in your life. No. She can’t be- No. No, she has to. You can’t see. You can’t see anything. And you can’t breathe, and you can’t feel your legs, and you don’t know who is making all that  damn noise . 

 

She can’t stay in your life? She is your life. Carmilla is the only constant you’ve had for the past five years. She’s your best friend. She’s the only person that knows you. All of you. The most intimate parts. The deepest, darkest parts. 

 

No. She has to be in your life. No. This is a hiccup. You’ll get through this. Somehow you and Carmilla will get through this and you’ll be ok. You’re always ok. This is fine. Everything is fine. Carmilla isn’t thinking straight right now but she’ll come around because she’s your best friend and she loves you.

 

She loves you.

 

Oh god. She loves you. 

 

She loves you and you can’t breathe and  where is that noise coming from ?!

 

You’re trying to breathe through your tears when you vaguely register that someone is holding you and running their hand down your back and murmuring in your ear. You’re clinging to them. 

 

How long have you been clinging to them? Your surroundings start coming into focus. Why are you on the floor? How did you get here? How long have you been here? Who is holding you?

 

Red hair. Short. Suit.

 

LaFontaine.

 

They’re talking to you. What are they saying? Why can’t you hear them?

 

“It’s ok Laura. You’re fine. You’re going to be fine. Just breathe. You’re ok. Focus on your breathing. You’re going to be fine L. Keep breathing. Good. You’re doing good. Keep going. Keep breathing with me. In and out. Ok. Good. Good. You’re ok. You’re ok. You’re ok.”

 

Breathing. You need to breathe. Your vision is clearing. You’re still in the dressing room at the chapel. You’re on the floor. You’re holding onto Laf. They’re telling you to breathe. You need to breathe. Carmilla is- gone.

 

Where’s Carmilla?

 

Carmilla was just here. Where is she? When did she leave? How long has she been gone? Where did she go?

 

I can’t stay in your life.

 

No. God no. Please no.

 

“Woah, woah, Laura, Laura breathe. You need to breathe. You’re ok. You were doing good. You were doing good. Just breathe with me. Come on. Please. In and out. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Good. Focus on me. Focus on my voice, Focus on my breathing. You’re ok. You’re ok.”

 

“Laf?”

 

“Yeah. Hey.”

 

“Where is she Laf? Where did she go?”

 

“Danny is-”

 

“Not Danny! Carmilla! Where is Carmilla?”

 

Where is she? You’re desperate. You need to know where she is. She can’t not be in your life. You have to tell her that. You have to tell her that she can’t do that. She has to be in your life. You have to tell her that she needs to be in your life.

 

That you need her in your life.

 

“I don’t know. Perry was talking to her. She ran out of here pretty fast and she was crying, maybe, which, sidenote: weird, and then you were screaming like a banshee, like seriously I thought you were getting murdered, so I came in here and Perry went after Carmilla. What the hell happened in here, L? You were a mess. I’m surprised Danny didn’t hear you and burst in here with an army or something.”

 

“Oh god, Danny.”

 

“Hey woah, shit, don’t start hyperventilating again. Holy cow, seriously what the Frankenstein’s monster happened in here, because no offense L, but you don’t look like someone about to get married.”

 

“I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t marry Danny.”

 

“O...k.”

 

“Carmilla loves me.”

 

“Oh. Oh! Jeez she finally told you huh?”

 

Finally? You’re still sitting on the floor, wedding dress fanned around you, clinging to Laf for dear life because your world was completely tilted on it’s axis and all they can say is ‘finally’. You pull away from Laf to get a better look at their face.

 

“What do you mean ‘finally’? Did you know? Did you know that she was- that she loves me?”

 

“Well...yea. Everyone kind of knew, L.”

 

Laf looks sad. Why? Because poor, dumb Laura spent the last five years completely unaware that her best friend was in love with her? God you really are oblivious.

 

“How did you know?”

 

“Through Perry, mostly. Plus, Carmilla is not that subtle. All your girlfriends knew. Why do you think none of them ever lasted?”

 

“I didn't- Why didn’t you tell me? You or Perry?!”

 

“Sorry L. It wasn’t our place to say.”

 

You want to be mad. You want to yell and kick and scream and tear this whole room apart. Everyone knew. For five years, they knew and they didn’t say anything. All those times you looked for a spark, a sign, the smallest crumb, anything. They should have told you. They could have saved you all this! They should’ve-

 

You deflate. You can’t be mad at them. You can’t. You’re mad at yourself. Carmilla is gone. She told you she loves you and you told her you were still going to marry Danny. 

 

Carmilla is gone.

 

And you can’t marry Danny.

 

This is the worst day of your life.

 

You need to fix this. You need to find Carmilla.

 

You need to break Danny’s heart.

 

“Laf? Can you find Danny? I need to talk to her. And then I need to find Carmilla.”

 

“You got it, L. I’ll send Danny your way and then I’ll look for Perry. She might know where to find Carmilla.”

 

After Laf leaves you feel yourself deflate again. This day has been exhausting and you’re running on fumes. The tears haven’t stopped and you know this day is only going to get worse before it gets better. You try to gather yourself when you hear a soft knock and the door creak open slowly. 

 

You don’t want to turn around.

 

“You know, it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. I mean technically we’re both brides so that’s probably like double bad luck right?”

 

God.

 

You have to turn around. You have to turn around. You need to face her.

 

“Wow. You look really pretty.”

 

She’s lying. Your dress is wrinkled and your hair is disheveled and you makeup is all smeared and your face is red and splotchy. There’s no way you look good right now. But Danny does. Her dress is lovely and her makeup is perfect and her hair falling on her shoulders in perfect waves. 

 

She looks beautiful. But she doesn’t look radiant. Not like a bride should. You think she probably knows.

 

“Danny-”

 

“There’s not going to be a wedding, is there?”

 

“No.”

 

She has to look away from you then. Danny doesn’t like to let you see her cry. She’s like Carmilla that way. They both always had to be so strong. Carmilla didn’t seem to care about being strong today. But Danny is taking deep breaths and trying to compose herself. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know if you should apologize. What good is ‘sorry’ going to do?

 

“Carmilla?”

 

“I don’t know. She left. I don’t know where she is.”

 

Danny nods to herself, shakes her head and chuckles.

 

“So she essentially ruins what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives and then she leaves?”

 

“I told her I was still going to marry you. I thought I could...but I can’t.”

 

Your voice catches and more tears fall. Danny looks devastated. She looks like she wants to comfort you. She shouldn’t have to. You’re the one breaking her heart.

 

“You know I really thought we would make it. I proposed, you said yes. We made it here, to the day! We were so close Laura. I never thought she would tell you so close to the end.”

 

The end? The end of what? You need to sit down. Danny knew all along?

 

“You knew the whole time?”

 

“Of course I  knew Laura! Of course! Why do you think we hated each other?! It was all for you! Because we both loved you! I wanted to ask you out from the very first day I knew you. I didn’t because I was your TA and I thought it was inappropriate so I figured I would wait until the semester was over and then do it. You were dating someone at the time so I figured it was a sign I should back off, but then you broke up and I was going to go for it, but Carmilla was always around. I would see you guys around campus and you were always laughing or walking arm in arm. I figured she had swooped in and asked you before I had the chance. But then you dated someone else. Someone who wasn’t Carmilla. And then the pattern would repeat. Girlfriend, break-up, Carmilla. Over and over. I figured out pretty quickly that she was in love with you and I waited to see if she would make a move. But she didn’t. So I  did . And she  hated me, but she never said anything...I thought she never would.”

 

You can’t process this. You need to sit down. You can’t-

 

Danny knew all along. Good, honest, Danny. 

 

“Did you know how I-”

 

“How you felt about her? At first I thought it was just her, pining after you, but after a while I figured out that you loved her too. You always looked at each other when the other was looking away...I knew you loved her, but I loved you. I don’t know why she never told you. For the longest time I was afraid that she would. I was afraid you would leave me for her, I knew I couldn’t compete, but I thought she would never say anything. I watched the cycle happen enough times where I thought I could predict the outcome. She had every opportunity and she never took it. I thought if she won’t do it, then I would. I thought I could make you happy. I thought you would grow to love me. Did you?”

 

“Yes! Danny, I did! I do!...I just-”

 

“Yea, I know. Please don’t say it.”

 

She turns away from you and runs her hands over her face and through her hair a few times before she gathers herself and turns back around.

 

“So you’re not mad?”

 

“Of course I’m mad Laura! I’m so  pissed off at you. And at her. But I  love you. And for five years I’ve been resigned to lose you if she ever told you how she really felt. I just didn’t think the day would actually come when I did.”

 

She looks so defeated. This is not the Danny you know. This is not the strong, proud, warrior Danny. You did this to her. You can’t imagine what it must have been like for her to live with the constant fear of losing you, only for it to come true at the worst possible time.

 

“I’ll go out there and tell everyone the wedding is off.”

 

“You’re a good person, Danny Lawrence.”

 

“Yeah...I really do love you, Laura. So much”

 

“I love you too.”

 

“Yeah. Okay”

 

Danny flees the room but not before you can hear her voice break, and it breaks you. You still have to go look for Carmilla. You still have to tell her-

 

Tell her what? Tell her that you called off the wedding? Tell her that you need her in your life? You don’t know what you’ll say. You just need to find her. 

 

Perry and Laf burst through the open door then and startle you. You don’t think you could take much more today.

 

“Perry! Where’s Carmilla?”

 

“Oh goodness I’ve never seen her so upset. I tried to stop her, to talk to her, but she just said she had to get away from here and just took off. She’s not answering her phone.”

 

“No, no, no. This can’t be- I can’t be too late. I need to find her. We need to go to her apartment. Laf can you drive me there?”

 

“Of course, but L, you’re still in your wedding dress.”

 

“I don’t care. We need to go now!”

 

You know you sound crazy. Logically you know that. But something is telling you that you need to hurry. You need to find her. Before it’s too late.

 

Laf drives like a maniac and normally that would bother you. Normally being in a car that was driving perfectly safe would bother you. Normally getting in a car would bother you. But right now you just need them to go faster.

 

You must look crazy, running into Carmilla’s building in a wedding dress. You don’t care.

 

When you finally make it up to Carmilla’s apartment you almost can’t use the hidden key to open the lock because your hands are shaking so much. LaFontaine and Perry are behind you, both of them practically vibrating with nervous energy.

 

As soon as you burst through the door you’re calling out for Carmilla. You’re practically screaming her name but she’s not answering. She’s not here.

 

No. No she has to be here. She can’t be gone. You run into the bedroom and your blood runs cold. The closet door is open and half the clothes are gone. The drawers are open haphazardly and most of the contents missing, like someone packed in a hurry.

 

This cannot be happening. It can’t. You can’t be too late. You hear Laf and Perry behind you but you’re already sinking to your knees.

 

You were too late.

 

Carmilla is gone. 

  
  
  
  
  


One Year Later

  
  


You can’t believe how much your life has changed in a year. After the disaster that was your wedding day, you had to get away. From your hometown, where everyone knew what happened. From Danny and her sad eyes as you packed up your apartment. From your problems.

 

You couldn’t really escape that last one. Or your memories. 

 

Everything got so messed up in the span of a few minutes. You didn’t know that your life could get so screwed in such a short amount of time. For a few months after the day of the wedding you still got angry phone calls from Danny’s mom. At first you would answer them and let her yell at you because you thought you deserved it. After a while, they were just another thing on your list to avoid.

 

Like opening up the pictures app on your phone. Or going into your text messages. You ended up getting a new phone and throwing the old one in a drawer.

 

After you moved out of the apartment you had shared with Danny, you moved in with Laf and Perry until you could figure out your next move. They were a godsend the first couple of weeks when you could hardly make it out of bed. Some nights you couldn’t deal with the emptiness and the pain of knowing you screwed everything up with Danny and with  her. You could barely think her name without bursting into tears, let alone say it.

 

When it was particularly bad you would crawl onto Laf and Perry’s bed and sandwich yourself in between them. You knew that you were intruding, but they never complained or made you feel unwelcome. Perry would make sure that you ate and showered and Laf would try to keep you entertained.

 

Once the first week passed, you decided enough was enough and you were going to find her. You went to every place she had ever hung out at, however briefly. You called her phone and sent texts until it was disconnected. You called everyone you thought might have ever spoken to her. You tried to reach her brother but he ignored you. She wasn’t close to her mom, so that was out of the question. Perry was her closest friend after you and she swore up and down that she hadn’t had any contact with her since the wedding day. At one point you considered hiring a private investigator to find her but when you told Perry and Laf they just gave you that pitying look like you had finally gone off the deep end, so you gave up on that.

 

Eventually you resigned yourself to the fact that she was really gone and you didn’t have the first clue as to where she might have gone. You decided that you couldn’t impose on Laf and Perry anymore than you already had and you didn’t want to go back to your regular life. You couldn’t.

 

It took a few weeks to sort out an apartment and a new job, but fortunately your editor at the newspaper you had been working at was able to pull some strings and get you an interview with a newspaper in New York. 

 

You saw Danny one last time before you left. You owed her to let her know you were leaving and you didn’t want her to find out from anyone else. She was such a huge part of your life for four years, you couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

 

You still talk to her sometimes, just to update each other on your lives. Perry and Laf call you everyday and make sure you’re ok and that things are going well for you. You ask them about her every once in a while, hoping that maybe, somehow they have news, but they never do.

 

Sometimes you still wake up disoriented, with wet cheeks, but you think you’re doing better. You still think about her every day. There is always something that reminds you of her in the city, and you think she would really love it here.

 

For the most part things have been going well for you. You love your job and you feel like you’re really doing good work with them. You just got your first front page story and your colleagues decided to celebrate by taking you out for drinks. You would usually turn them down, go back to your apartment and settle in with a glass of wine and your Buffy DVDs, but this is the most exciting thing that has happened to you in over a year so you feel like celebrating.

 

You’re at a bar close to the office that you’ve never been to but all your coworkers keep raving about the food and the live music. Everyone is in good spirits and having a good time when the lights dim, signaling the start of the show and the crowd hollers. You’re facing away from the stage when the music starts and as soon as you hear the singer’s voice you feel a sharp pain in your chest.

 

It can’t be. But you would know that voice anywhere. That voice sung you to sleep in college after every heartbreak and disappointment. 

 

It can’t be her. 

 

She can’t have been under your nose this whole time you were missing her.

 

How many times in the past year have you thought you heard her voice or seen her face only to realize it’s not really her, just your aching heart playing tricks on you. This time will probably be like all those other times. 

 

You don’t want to turn around and realize that you’re fantasizing again because clinging on to the hope that it could finally be her is better than facing the reality that it’s not, but you have to know. 

 

You try to calm your racing heart and tell yourself you’re just imagining things. You don’t want another disappointment. 

 

Only...this time when you turn around, it’s not an illusion. She’s really there. Right before your eyes. You dreamed of this moment for so long and now you’re frozen. Your co workers are still cheering behind you but you’re stuck in a moment and you can’t react.

 

“Carmilla.”

 

“You know her?”

 

You didn’t even realize you had finally said her name out loud after a year of not speaking it, but the question from one of the people behind you brings you back into focus.

 

“I’m in love with her.”

 

“Aren’t we all.”

 

Your eyes are riveted to the stage. To Carmilla. You can’t look away. You don’t acknowledge your colleagues as you get up and make your way towards the stage. 

 

She’s really here. And she’s still achingly beautiful. Of course she is. She couldn’t not be.

 

When you make it close to the front you just stand there captivated. You’re so caught up in your thoughts that you miss the surprised look on her face when she spots you, but the missed note as she messes up the lyrics to the song brings you back.

 

She finishes the song, staring at you the whole time. You hold her gaze and you’re proud of yourself for not wavering even though you were completely unprepared for this, but Carmilla looks how you feel. She apologizes to the bar and says she has to cut the set short. Amongst the groans and complaints from the bar patrons you see her signal you with her eyes to follow.

 

She leads you into an office at the back of the bar, silent the whole time. She doesn’t turn around when you close the door behind you. She just continues facing away from you and taking deep breaths. You don’t know what to say. You don’t want to be the one to break the silence. 

 

You wish she would just look at you.

 

You’re about to grab her arm and force her to turn around when she moves to face you.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

“I can’t believe you’re really here.”

 

“I kind of feel the same, Cupcake. What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m, uh...celebrating actually. I got my first front page story and the people from work wanted to take me out.”

 

Carmilla looks at you confused. It’s the same expression she would get whenever you made her watch Dr. Who with you.

 

“No, I mean here as in New York.”

 

“I live here now. I moved here about a year ago. What are you doing here?”

 

“I...live here too.”

 

“Wow. This is crazy. I never thought I would see you again. I mean, I hoped...I never stopped hoping. You look really good.”

 

“Thanks. You...always look good.”

 

She thinks you look good. That brings a smile to your face. God you’ve missed her. You didn’t even realize how much, but now seeing her...it’s too much.

 

“Carm...I’ve really missed you.”

 

You see her wince but her expression softens somewhat.

 

“I’ve missed you too Laura. I’ve wanted to talk to you every day since...I’m sorry for leaving like I did and for dropping everything on you like that. I know it wasn’t fair of me but I couldn’t do it anymore, and I couldn’t stay. I know I hurt you but I had to put myself first. For once.”

 

“You did hurt me, but I hurt you too. We both have things to be sorry about. But we’re here now.”

 

“Laura...nothing’s changed. You got married...and I still can’t be in your life. It still hurts.”

 

“I didn’t. I didn’t marry Danny. Things  have  changed.”

 

“You didn’t- But you said…”

 

“I did. I was going to. But then you said you couldn’t be in my life anymore and you left. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. I told Danny. She already knew. I went to your apartment and your clothes were gone. I looked for you...I looked everywhere for you. You were here this whole time.”

 

You’re sobbing now and so is Carmilla. She is slumped into a chair holding her face in her hands.

 

“For a year I’ve been imagining what I would say to you if I ever saw you again, but now...Carm I’m just so happy to see you. I don’t have the words.”

 

Carmilla looks up at you then. Her expression is unreadable. She’s was your best friend for five years, you know everything about her. You’ve seen her go through a range of emotions and you could always tell what she was feeling just by the look on her, but now…

 

“Why New York?”

 

“My editor got me an interview here, but really it made me feel closer to you. You would always say how you wanted to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art.”

 

She looks surprised but she stands and slowly moves toward you.

 

“You didn’t marry Danny.”

 

“No.”

 

“You went looking for me.”

 

“Yes.”

 

When Carmilla finally takes hold of your face and kisses you, it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Nothing in your life has ever felt this way. Nothing feels like finally being with the person you truly love.

 

You know that nothing is anywhere near resolved and that you and Carmilla still have a lot to talk about and work through before you can have any semblance of the relationship you used to have, or more. 

 

But in this moment, with Carmilla kissing you like she’s never wanted to do anything else, nothing has ever felt more perfect.

  
  
  
  


 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me at duckiesuprise.tumblr.com for extras, headcanons, and notes from my outline. Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!


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